Red Pill Blue Pill

 I can't play fantasy football anymore, even though it's the only part about football that I still like. Dan Hopper explains why:

As of Monday night, I was trailing my game by two points going into the Monday Night Football game between Houston and Tennessee, and I still had Houston receiver Andre Johnson yet to play, but my opponent had Matt Schaub, Houston’s quarterback, who’d be throwing the ball to Johnson and essentially canceling out his points.

But, rather than assume I was going to lose, ignore a boring NFL game that had no impact on the standings, and spend my night usefully by reading a book or planting a tree or whatever valuable people who don’t play fantasy football do, I sat on the couch watching the Texans play the Titans and rooted for Andre Johnson to catch a touchdown but for Matt Schaub to also throw two interceptions afterward to drag his points back below Johnson’s. This is not an actual thing anyone does.

Fortunately I was joined on the couch by my roommate, who had absolutely no stake in the game other than needing Tennessee’s Rob Bironas to kick ONE field goal so he could win his fantasy game for the week. So basically, the two of us — a Steeler fan and a Giants fan — watched a regular season Texans/Titans Monday Night game with me shouting at the tv hoping for Matt Schaub interceptions or for the running back to throw a touchdown pass to Andre Johnson (but only Andre Johnson), and my roommate rooting for the Titans until they got to the opposing 30 and then rooting against them.

Could the inventors of Football — John J. Football III and his cohorts — have possibly foreseen something so specifically pathetic ever deriving from their innocent pastime? If so, they were terrible people.

I wish the Dan Hopper I knew back at summer camp had written this. Sadly, no. It's the Dan Hopper from Best Week Ever.tv. Sometimes, though, I pretend they're the same person.